I'm depressed.
Watching movies always makes me depressed. I just finished 'Say Anything,' which has a perfectly happy ending, and am debating putting in 'Finding Neverland,' but probably won't because I've heard it has a really depressing ending. Happy endings tend to make me sadder than un-happy ones though. I guess they just make me think about how crappy my life is in comparison.
In comparison. Key words.
But indulge me, and just let me wallow in self-pity for a moment. It is my blog, after all.
My other option is the Woodstock doc. Besides the fact that Crystal would be slightly peeved if I watched it without her, I'm wary of popping this one in because it also has some largely probable depression-inducing factors. Think about it. Two full tapes of a generation with the best vibrations, the hippest threads, the greatest, grooviest music ever written, the wonderful lovey vibe, the long-haired hippie guys, the long-haired women, the generation with the most beautiful, make-up-less women, and then there's me. Short, chunky, full of clothes I don't even feel comfortable in, with hair up to here, (for the most part) crap music, bad vibes, and no friends. Yeah. That's just what I need to be watching to feel good about myself.
Okay, so what are my other options? Books. Of course, I've got several good books I'm in the middle of reading, there's gotta be something there. But mentally running through my list of books, every single one is sad. Little Children- Eh, not really good writing. Alice Springs- Sentences are too short. Kind of boring. Lennon Remembers, the 1970 Rolling Stone interview, which is very interesting, with John, whom I adore, but who is- dead. Very sad. Plus it was right after the Beatles broke up and he was so bitter about everything and Yoko's there...... Not a very happy read. Ariel, a collection of poems by Sylvia Plath- dead. (Head in the oven.) Light My Fire: My Life With The Doors, written by Ray Manzarek himself, which revolves largely around Jim Morrison- dead, and The Doors- also dead. Geez! I NEED TO READ SOMETHING HAPPY!
So I got out my art project, the one with the magazine cake and Jim's lips, and continued working on the purposely-over-colorful background, and quickly discover I own crap colored pencils. ::sigh:: And hunching over this coloring makes me think too much of earlier today and I can almost hear that voice in my right ear. No. Don't want to do this!
That lands me here, typing away about all the things that I'm not doing, which means that I am actually doing nothing at all right now. No one is on. Well, one person, who I am definitely not in the mood for talking to right now. You know why? Because most people have lives, and friends, at least small lives, weird friends, something. Me? Nothing. It's Friday night, 11 o'clock. I took a nap, lamented by myself, made popcorn by myself, watched a movie by myself........it is all rather dull and lonely. Crystal probably won't be back till past two. Then she'll want to go to bed, so there's no use staying up for her, I've got to work tomorrow anyway. I need some friends. I like my sister, she's really cool, we can go to shows together and finish each others sentences and I love hanging out with her, but honestly, she's the ONLY person I ever hang out with. Ever. I have no friends. No real friends. (No friends that I like.) I'm not saying I want to get rid of Crystal, it would just be nice to have some other friends. Variety. We're severely running out of things to talk about.
What a horrid weekend this is going to be. The last weekend of the year, supposed to be fun, right? Memorial Day, 3-day weekend, no homework, the pool's all open up, the year's almost over, SUMMER! RIGHT?! NO! I have to work at the crap house. I have to do two science projects. I hate science. I especially hate science projects. I have to do this huge massive algebra review sheet which is due on Tuesday, which Mrs. Niff kindly reminded me of this morning in that I'm-saying-this-slowly-because-I-think-you're-mentally-retarded-or-maybe-just-really-stoned-and-I-have-to-put-a-3-second-pause-in-between-each-word-so-that-you-can-really-understand-the-meaning-of-what-I'm-trying-to-say kind of voice that really made me want to smack her. I also have to finish the aforementioned art project as well as the cubist-Julian sketch I was supposed to have finished weeks ago and am not actually even half-way done with. Hate! I don't want to do all this! I don't even want to finish that one because it already sucks and it's just gonna get worse once I put the faces in and I hate it when I destroy something that would have remained so beautiful if I'd just never touched it or breathed on it or looked at it or thought about it!
[This is the part where I whimper and do that little Scarlett-O'Hara-foot-stamp thing.]
Now I've wasted exactly 24 minutes and still have nothing to do; there's no one to talk to. This is gross. I'm tired of it all.
I tired of this day thing. Who's idea was that? Day after day after day after day. They're all the same, and with the nights in between?! Always a night before you can get on with the next day! You can never get anything done before you get tired and have to sleep again! And a LOT of sleep too, otherwise you feel crappy! It was a bad idea. Not that I don't like sleep, that's just the problem. I love it. I probably do too much of it. But I sure as hell do it on my own schedule. Days. Heh!
Wanting a hug from Julian about now. He gives very normal hugs. I like that. Normal.
That Julian, to be exact. Now Chris, come on, you can't not admit in all your heterosexuality that that isn't at least a good-looking man. Okay, that was horrible grammar, but you know what I mean. Very beautiful.
Okay, now I am in a slightly better mood because I am listening to Judas Kiss (oh beloved, lyrically substantial EP!) and thinking about sour-apple breath and his hand smoothing hair across his forehead and the way his leather jacket felt against my cheek. ::sigh:: July 13th, my loves.
XD
