Tell Me The Lies...

2006-10-14T23:31:00.000-04:00

Donde estas?

This. Is. The. Eeeeeennnnnddddddd.

2006-07-12T10:03:00.000-04:00

This blog is now officially closed. To go to my new site, click here.

In The Apartment (Early Sunday Morning)

2006-06-16T11:40:00.000-04:00

This is Ian. He's the first person I met in Nashville, a friend of Crystal's. We got him drunk and then convinced him to let us straighten his hair. Actually, he got himself drunk. Crystal also got herself drunk, and I was and am seriously disappointed in her. But I digress. This is Ian's before picture.

.

These are his after pictures. Much better, no?, even with his abnormally large forehead. And very soft. And clean. I'd forgotten that boys with clean hair existed. It was kind of nice, for a change, though I will always believe in the benefits of dirty hair.

I also believe in a little self-induced humiliation every once in a while, as shown in this photograph of me wearing a two-piece bathing suit with ruffles on the bottom. Yes, ruffles. Crystal and Ian and I all went for a midnight swim in the pool next door to our apartment block, and I don't even own a bathing suit, so I had to borrow one of Crystal's. The only other one of Crystal's. Why she purchased and WORE a bathing suit with ruffles, no one knows. She claims it was because it was three dollars and she needed a suit quickly. The true story may never be known. P.S. The only picture ever taken that shows my fat Italian thighs. I am usually okay with them, thanks to Joseph Heller and Catch-22.

Me and Ian. He, at this point, is very drunk. I, on the other hand, am very sober, and ostensibly the only person in the room in this state. However, I am going to go ahead and say that House and George's alcohol had worn off at this point, because if that was what they are like drunk, I hope never to encounter them whilst they are sober. Acknowledgement: I know I look terrible in this picture.

Graduation Party/Anberlin

2006-06-16T09:59:00.000-04:00

Me and my grandma, whom I love very dearly.

Me and Tara, the person who has put up with me longer than anyone else who wasn't obligated to. Yeah, Cubbies! =P I heart her.

"Your lovin' give me a thrill, but your lovin' don't pay my bills. Now give me money, that's what I want." Becoming about eight hundred dollars richer while my sister flashes the camera.

Oh, random picture of Robin that I like. Muy bonita, ¿no?

Stephen!!!! Pictures are now set in Tennessee. We saw Anberlin in Chattanooga on my third day here. ::cheers!:: It was very enjoyable. They played "dance, dance Christa Paffgen"!

We met him afterward, he appreciated the fact that we drove from Nashville (it was the first time any of us had been in Chattanooga), he told us about Haiti, and we were bountifully charmed yet again.

This is Brooks. He is in a band called Sullivan (I think) who thinks they are famous. Brooks is the new William Beckett. Well, not really, he is just uber skinny and acts like William used to before he SOLD OUT TO THE RECORD COMPANY!!!!! Ahem. Sorry. Someday, I will get my hip poked by a stranger in a non-sexual way. . .

REAL Last Post (In Parts)

2006-06-15T23:27:00.000-04:00

Okay, so this is the last post. I'm gonna shut this blog down, and I haven't decided if I'm going to open up another one. I probably will eventually, but for right now. . . I'm watching movies. I'm reading again (I'm halfway through my first book of the summer). I'm writing. I'm thinking things out. I'm having late-night/early-morning discussions with my cat. I'm trying to get a job and a phone and a laptop and myself back. I'm trying not to worry so much. I'm letting things work out on their own. I'm eating healthier. I'm going on walks. Despite the fact that I freaked out and sobbed on the couch at 3 AM this morning while hashing things out at my cat after watching Romeo & Juliet (yes, with Leonardo DiCaprio and Claire Danes), I am absolutely positive that what I am doing and who I am communicating with is absolutely the right thing to do. (I have also discovered that showering daily wards off depression. . . seriously! But that's another story.)

Okay, so I just wanted to make the last post in here a post that updated you all on how moving out/life after moving out went/is going. Heh. Anyway, here you go.

Yo y Quilina at graduation! 13 years of slavery and torture, cruel and unusual punishment. . . finally, freedom! Survival! We're lucky we made it out alive with our brains and intellect intact.

Emoness (inside and out) at Buca di Beppo's, post-sweaty graduation ceremony.

"Excuse me, could we have a candelabra, please?" Our poor, overstressed waiter.

Glahm! Spumoni chocolate sauce!

06-06-06 AHH!

2006-06-06T21:43:00.000-04:00

This will most likely be my last post. And the majority of it is for you. I wanted to explain why I gave you the things that I did. I had planned to do it in person, when I gave them to you, but once I stepped into your apartment and you closed the door behind me, my throat closed over and all I could do was push the bag into your hands and myself into your arms. So here. You might think they need no introduction, but there were still some things I wanted to say.

The Batman cassette I bought just ages ago, but after I met you I figured I'd give it to you- a)because it's Batman, duh, and b)because at least one or maybe both of the songs on it are by Prince. . . and I know how you feel about Prince. =P So I figured you'd appreciate it more than me, as I hadn't even listened to it once.

The copy of Dead Poets Society because, obviously, it was yours.

The tiny little sculpture of the swans I bought months ago. I didn't pay much for it, it's not worth anything, and yes, I know, it's not even really that well-made. But in the store there was a whole shelf of those little glass sculptures, which I've always loved, even as a little girl. And the second I laid eyes on that one I thought of you, or of the two of us. I'm not sure why, but it just gives me a feeling of you. I'd planned on giving it to you right away, but when have I ever done anything in a timely fashion? The box is the box it came in, but I wanted to make it more special. I finished it just about a week ago while I was watching baby shows one night. =) The black side is for us, the words are for our words, because that's all we ever had, and the ugly design is because neither of us have any artistic talent to save our lives (as shown in our Exploding Dog drawings =P). The top panel is because we always had such a thing for eyes, and you're mine, and I found those words and liked them. And the white and green and red is for the months of April, May, and January. . . you should be able to figure that one out quite easily, although I think I got them out of order on the box.

The photograph. I'd had a mind for months to show you pictures of me when my hair was long, since by the time I met you I'd had it all cut off long ago. But of course I never got around to actually doing that either. So there you go--ta da!--that's the way I looked for ages. It was taken at an outdoor music festival 2 years ago.

The letters are, obviously, the ones I wrote to you while I was in the hospital. The green one is smeared in that one spot because I slept with it that night and cried on it. There were a few things I said in there that I know I never acted upon once I got out, but there was no point in scratching them out to conceal myself. I want you to know that I did at least once have the honest intentions to follow through on them. I'm sorry. But I did fully mean what I said at the time that I said it. And I'm sorry I never delivered on those hugs and kisses I closed the letters with. =/ Oh, damn it, I also forgot to give you the hug from Susen, my friend in Florida, who told me quite soon after I'd met you that I had to give you a hug from her because "he's softening you up. . . in a good way." Whoops. Sorry. (And sorry Susen.)

#9 on the CD! Possibly one of the worst songs ever published, I know, so don't think I gave it to you because I thought you'd like it. =P I found that CD when I was going through all mine and packing, I don't think I've listened to it since. . . 8th grade? Anyway, as fully cheesy as it is, I saw the #9 title on the back and immediately thought of you, popped it in for a listen and decided to give it to you. I mean, obviously not all of it makes sense for this situation, but I'm sure you can pick out what does and what doesn't. So, give it a listen when you're feelin' sad, and you can have a laugh at the fact that I, at one point, actually listened to and, worse yet, liked that kind of music. =)

That brings us to the teddy bear. I haven't forgotten anything, have I? It was given to me by my dad this Valentine's Day, a fact which immediately made me decide to rip its head off and burn both entities separately. However, when I reached into the bag to carry out my plan, I was arrested by the incredible softness and adorableness of the poor little guy. I couldn't do it! After all, the bear was the innocent party. So I plopped him back in the bag, and there he sat for the next couple weeks. Well one night it dawned on me that I could make him for you. So I spent the next three months putting my plan into action. I rid him of his awful pink sweater and cut the pink and red hearts off of his foot and patched it up again (hence the bald spot on the left foot). I slept with him nearly every night until I moved. I don't think I missed more than three nights. The idea was to make him smell like me and then give him to you for you to keep. Well, I don't think he smells like me at all. Oh well, I tried. I do, however, think he now smells--if not one bit like me--really good. I have spent many a night curled up under my blankets with my face nuzzled into the fur of that poor, darling teddy bear. I hope you like him. I thought you would.

The history of my elephant has already been explained to you. Please know that if we run into each other in 30 years. . . okay, what's the chance of both of us making it thirty more years? 9 years, if I run into you 9 years from now, please know that I fully expect you to still have my elephant, and will be very hurt and upset if you don't. He is one of my most prized possessions and I've had him for over nine years, so please take good care of him! I'd thought about it for several weeks and I just didn't feel it would be right to take him with me, so that's why I gave him to you. I trust you with him. Even if you don't keep anything else I gave you, you must keep him.

Don't think I don't miss you. I do. I cried as we drove away from your house. The first night I got here, I was laying in my bed thinking about you, not really worrying, just thinking about what you might be doing or feeling at the moment, and I cried. The next morning when I got your emails I cried. When I read them I cried. I checked your Xanga and cried (even though there was nothing new on it). I've already imagined a few handfuls of scenarios of you in this apartment. I dreamed about you. So don't think you are alone in your loneliness.

Last night me and Crystal went out, and while we were at the corner waiting to cross the street I saw a man holding a very small baby against his chest on the other corner, pacing around and rubbing its back while waiting to get to our side of the street. My mind went dead and I just stopped and stared at them.

But don't worry, that's not all I've been doing. I just feel the need to report all the sad and depressing-sounding stuff because I am morose by nature. =D Yesterday I wore the greatest outfit I've worn in weeks, no, months! I looked fab, the gothiest I have in a loooong time. I was intensely proud of how beautiful I looked, and no, I'm not arrogant. =P You, I'm sure, would have loved me, in my sad, angelic state.

I'm not sure if you're incredibly pissed off at me or if you miss me or if you're even reading this at all. But I just want you to know that I miss you and a lot of things about you, and I'll never forget you. I hope you get better and I hope we can can meet again someday.

School's Out Forever

2006-06-03T00:59:00.001-04:00

I was going to say something when I realized I sounded just like Big Dismal. So, as is unfortunately customary of me, I will just use someone else's words to say what I'm thinking.

"I'm already missing you, and I'm not even gone."

::sigh:: I will make a concentrated effort to be happy and pleasant tomorrow. Well, at least at my party.

Edit:: I read that back and realized it sounded like I was talking about school. NO. Let me make it very clear that formal education is something I will never miss.

The Day After Tomorrow And Sunday

2006-05-30T18:41:00.000-04:00

I panic too easily. Getting ideas logged in my brain till I begin to believe them as fact.

I tell myself multiple times that with all the packing and vet appointments and money and moving and unpacking and arranging and decorating and busy-ness and city life and excitement I will not have too much time to think about it.... But still sometimes I see a pathetic vision of myself bursting into tears in a lonely room. I will try real hard not to. After all, I am ecstatic. =D Getting confused is hard in the midst of ecstasy.

Either way, take this poem by Yeats. (Yes, I'm quoting Yeats. Now, don't you feel like you're friends with Sylvia Plath? Don't worry, no children or suicide in my future.) It's based off a sonnet of the same name by Pierre de Ronsard, but his is kinda hard to understand, so we're going with Yeats. It's called "When You Are Old":

"When you are old and grey and full of sleep,
And nodding by the fire, take down this book,
And slowly read, and dream of the soft look
Your eyes had once, and of their shadows deep;

How many loved your moments of glad grace,
And loved your beauty with love false or true,
But one man loved the pilgrim soul in you,
And loved the sorrows of your changing face;

And bending down beside the glowing bars,
Murmur, a little sadly, how Love fled
And paced upon the mountains overhead
And hid his face amid a crowd of stars."

1) I hope this is not me.
2) ::sigh:: I wish I could write like that.

If My Life Was A MasterCard Commercial...

2006-05-29T19:05:00.000-04:00

This is what our senior class trip on Friday would've looked like:

Group-rate ticket to Cedar Point: $10

Smokehouse hamburger at Johnny Rocket's and Dippin' Dots ice cream: $11.50

Hearing the Brazilian exhange student singing, "It feels so good just to be alive! This is the start of something new!" whilst on the Iron Dragon, seeing a huge fat tall black guy dancing animatedly to Love Shack, and meeting your future husband whilst in line for the Raptor: priceless

Oh, the queso. Sorry, I couldn't resist. =D

Quote of the Day!

2006-05-24T16:05:00.000-04:00

Finally, I have a Quote of the Day again!

This one's from Crystal:

"Okay, we like mullets, backwards or forwards."

=D

Update!

2006-05-24T15:21:00.000-04:00

It feels like I just got up. Not because I'm tired or anything. It just seems like I haven't been up very long, as if not much of the day has passed...

Missed always-boring study hall 1 and a sub in sculpture.

Breezed half-mindedly through a psych test, read in study hall 2 but didn't do a very good job of paying attention.

English made my brain numb, I don't remember much of lunch other than the fact that I got a no-bake cookie from Devon the Californian (yay! she is nice) and study hall 3 was spent listening to one song from Mae's third CD over and over again on repeat.

During photography I bought ice cream ("what do you eat in class? chips?! hahaha!"), reiterated my Kyle-is-boring stance, and introduced Black Jack gum to Kelly and Senior Scott Thomas, neither of whom appreciated my sharing tactics.

Study hall 4: more reading and more concentrating, then a bus ride home involving listening to Maria list the first 11 things she will do when she gets home to Brasil.

One piece of chocolate junior cake (Crystal! there was a chocolate junior cake on sale for two bucks!) and two glasses of orange juice later (why am I always the one to drain the carton? does no one else recognize the citrus-y goodness of this drink?), here I am. . .

. . .with utterly nothing else to say.

Oh, except that I saved The Skank from Andy today. =)

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

2006-05-17T23:14:00.000-04:00

Let it be known that I pretty much adore this kid Aaron in Okinawa.

I love the emo-ness.

And he makes me smile. =P

Bad, BAD Day

2006-05-17T15:31:00.000-04:00

Today was terrible.

Andy made me feel a little bit better by being nice and hugging me and kissing my hand. He said the cutest/cheesiest/adorable-est thing: "Angela, I wish you weren't sad, it makes me sad. You should be happy, it's exciting when you're happy, it makes me feel good." Or something like that. I was like, Hmm, I think I've heard that before.... =P Still, it was sweet coming from him.

=( Still sad. But, I had cool makeup today. =)

::sigh:: I need some soma. Or maybe just a break.

Ba-Da, Ba-Da Heat

2006-05-15T07:46:00.000-04:00

Well I feel like --bleep--.

Taking a sick day.

I <3 Hot Showers

2006-05-14T22:38:00.000-04:00

Mmm, it feels so good to be scrubbed and clean from head to toe! :)

I even washed my hair, mark the calendar.

I've cut off all my hair. . . again! I keep forgetting to tell my sister.
It's almost all my own color of hair now! Exciting. Such has not happened since. . . 6th grade? It's kinda weird. . . and boring. Oh well.

::sigh:: Oh, I wish I wasn't boring! I guess I should be glad I'm not as boring as this chick that came into Subway today. . . but I won't go into a Subway story on you guys, those are generally awful.

That is all for Sunday.

10:06 PM

2006-05-11T22:07:00.000-04:00

I am a Frida Kahlo, opening my wounds because Diego did not come home.

That's "Grean" With An A.

2006-05-11T15:38:00.000-04:00

I've decided it's finally time for me to make a decent update around here. And here is what I have to say:

I am eating a potato chip-sour cream sandwich (call me pregnant, I don't care) and the little chip pieces are falling out the bread bottom and getting all over the place.

Till next time...

Angela

Number #4

2006-05-02T22:57:00.000-04:00

PRETTY LITTLE BLACK HANDGUN!
Pretty little black handgun.
You rid the world of the beautiful ones, too early.
In the chest or under the chin,
John and me die hand in hand.

It's Amazing

2006-05-02T22:07:00.000-04:00

I am captured.

I am in love.

Is this not the most real thing you have ever seen?

Promise Me One Thing: Part II

2006-05-02T21:42:00.000-04:00

So far so good.

Then again, it's only been one day.

But I am hopeful for the rest.

Debate

2006-05-02T21:41:00.000-04:00

Why are foreign countries so much more beautiful than America?

Promise Me One Thing:

2006-05-01T21:14:00.000-04:00

That the next time he appears, in voice, in print, or in person, you won't go crawling back to him like you have every time before.

Oh, but I can't promise you anything.

Look at that stupid girl
Well, I'm talking about the way she grabs and holds
Look at that stupid girl
The way she talks about someone else
That she don't even know herself
She's the sickest thing in this world
~~~~~
Look at that stupid girl
She bitches 'bout things that she's never seen
Look at that stupid girl
It doesn't matter if she dyes her hair
Or the color of the shoes she wears
She's the worst thing in this world
Well, look at that stupid girl

Being Alone

2006-05-01T15:17:00.000-04:00

::sigh::

I am back by myself now, completely and utterly alone.

And it is worse now than it was at the first, because this time around I can remember what the opposite used to feel like.

::cheers::

2006-04-27T00:23:00.000-04:00

When I think about how much I love the Beatles, I just want to hug someone!

Quote Of The Day

2006-04-25T22:18:00.000-04:00

Julie: Finally, a day without death!

Remarking how none of the.....guess who......quail had died today.

Quail Update

2006-04-25T02:15:00.000-04:00

Two more died.

Wait. Maybe just one more.

::sigh:: It's too hard to tell, with them being so small and so numerous and so impossible to count.

So that makes... six or seven dead total? Five? No... Eep. I've lost track.

Either way, sorry baby(ies).

And Then There Were . . . Twenty-Six

2006-04-23T10:48:00.000-04:00

An Informational Post, Of Sorts

So far four of the quail have died. One the morning after we got them, supposedly over-stressed from being too cold. Then when I came home from Tess's this morning I found the other three (supposedly over-stressed from being too hot), laying hard, cold, and motionless on the bedding, their brothers and sisters running over them like roadkill, apparently seeing no need for a funeral.

This temperature thing is turning out to be the most difficult part. Exactly 85° at all times, five degrees over or under and bad things start happening. At least I'm assuming that's what the problem is. Poor dears.

Edit: Another one dead.

On Another Note

Immediacy is gone. She left without a trace of where to be found again. Even though I never spoke to her, this unexpected disappearance makes the writer's soul in me feel slightly robbed.

Good luck with your life, Immediacy, and love, and all that other bullshit that makes us drink too much and eat chocolate ice cream.

Guess What I Have In My Living Room?!

2006-04-20T16:13:00.000-04:00

30 baby quail, just hatched yesterday!

And today's 4/20!

Happy "birthday"! =P

I Wrote A Piece

2006-04-17T22:57:00.000-04:00

...but it was too pretty for Blogger, so I took it down.

EeeEe.

2006-04-13T19:24:00.000-04:00

CrystalLite176: AH AH AH!!!!!!!
CrystalLite176: Ang!!!!
CrystalLite176: did you know that justin is back with tait?!?!?

oh, god

2006-04-10T16:17:00.000-04:00

the intentional, emotional damage I so cruelly inflict!

Blatant Optimism

2006-04-10T16:05:00.000-04:00

Today I was mostly ignored. No--openly avoided. Maybe--silently begged to break the silence? Oh! It seems we switched places for a day. Ahh, does he know the agony I have felt for hours upon hours of spatial irony? Probably not. Still, he possesses the sweetest eyes and strongest soul of any I have encountered in the States, South America, or western Europe.

::snort::

2006-04-08T22:49:00.000-04:00

I love.

You Are 16% Happy

You know that there's more to life than how you've been living it.

Life can be rough at times, but most of your unhappiness is self-inflicted.

How Happy Are You?

Wait.

2006-04-06T16:23:00.000-04:00

What I meant to say was,

"Do you know how wonderful you are?"
.

Full Stop

2006-04-06T16:04:00.000-04:00

Okay, so I'm pretty much never kissing anyone ever again.

Do You Hold The Phone When You're Alone?

2006-04-04T23:42:00.000-04:00

Arguing with Shane about his latest muchacha, I suddenly realize something.

Maybe I just don't want you to be happy.

Maybe that's part of the reason I vehemently reject everyone else's romantic aspirations. Because, they could be very happy in them.

Maybe I just don't want you to be happy because I'll never be.

It was a very disappointing realization.

It's The Little Things

2006-04-04T21:43:00.000-04:00

The small stuff is what makes me happy.

I'm reading.
An intense, emotionally mega-charged romantic scene.
Finding my boy again.
A suspenseful, thrilling [unexpected] TV show involving teenagers, sex, and medicine.

What more could I want?

Oh. No school tomorrow. Right.

Anyway, I'm not complaining. It's not every day I get to laugh and jump around the kitchen grinning from glee.

=D

Beef jerky! Yay!

At Long Last!

2006-04-03T23:49:00.000-04:00

Okay, I couldn't let it go tonight without relaying this happiness to you all.

So today managed to be wonderful in many small ways. For one, I got hugged by nearly a handful of adorable boys. Okay, so maybe they're not that adorable-looking =P, but they're adorable to me. Well, Caleb is rather a dear. But, anyway, the point is [drumroll, please] . . . .

I HUGGED THE BOY I WANT[ed! xD] TO HUG TODAY!!!!!!!

Gah!! Is that not ecstatic? And guess what? I got a picture of it! Haha!! So I shall be able to remember it always. He is so shy, it was quite darling.

He probably thinks I'm a total nut now. =P

Anyway, long background-story short [which isn't actually very short] is: The Boy I Hugged, sophomore, less sad now then he used to be last year, his freshman year, my junior, when I first noticed him shuffling through the hallways hanging his head, nearly always alone, and always so sad! My automatic thought every time I saw him was, "Ohh, that poor boy, he looks so sad! I just want to hug him, poor, sad, emo boy!" So he became The Boy I Want To Hug. [Or to everyone else, The Boy You Want To Hug.] It became a growing legend, everyone knowing about him and sharing stories about him doing adorable and sad, lonely things. Well this year, even though he is much less sad-looking, it was too late, the legend was already attached. So he continued to be The Boy I Want To Hug [shush, we totally don't stalk underclassmen], and he was even in my sculpture class earlier this year, but to no avail. It became such a huge thing that I could never actually work up enough nerve to actually go and hug him, for fear of rejection, or something. Opportunities came and went....

Well, today at lunch, we were both looking cute, Sara had her camera with her, I was feeling confident and encouraged, so I fixed my hair, we both took deep breaths and marched over there [he is in our lunch]. It went something like this.

Me: ::taps Boy on shoulder::

Curly-Haired Friend: ::is talking::

Me: "Oh, sorry, finish your conversation."

Curly-Haired Friend: "No, that's okay. I was done."

The Boy I Want To Hug: ::still hasn't turned around::

Boy I Want To Hug: ::finally turns around::

Me: "Okay, I know this is going to sound really, really, really strange, but, if you're up for something random, would it be at all possible if we could get a picture of me hugging you?"

Boy: ::looks slightly bewildered:: ::gives small smile:: "Uhh. . . sure."

Me: "Okay, sweet, thanks."

Boy: ::small laugh:: "When? Right now?"

Me: ::shrugs casually:: "Yeah, sure, right here is fine." ::motioning to surrounding cafeteria area::

Boy: "Okay." ::stands up::

Me: ::motioning to Boy's sweet, black-with-red-pin-stripes-suit-jacket:: "This is a great jacket, by the way."

Boy: ::laughs::

Me and Boy and Sara: ::get into picture-taking position::

::click::

Sara: ::laughing:: "Oops! I accidentally took a picture!"

Me: ::also laughing:: Of mah stomach? ::=P::

Boy: ::laughing nervously, completely lost::

Sara: "Should I put the flash on?"

Me: ::surveys cafeteria lighting:: "Yeah, you better. Just in case."

Sara: "Yeah, okay."

Me (to Sara): "Okay. Ready?" ::puts both arms around Boy's waist [Boy is wonderfully taller than Me] and squeezes::

Boy: ::puts one arm around my shoulders::

Me: ::totally aware of how awkward this is::

Sara: "Oh! Wait! I'm not ready!" ::messes with camera::

Me: ::very aware of how skinny and great the Boy feels in my arms, but wisely decides to mention neither of these thoughts:: ::and unable to wipe a silly-huge smile off face::

Boy:: ::still letting out those nervous little laughs:: ::still just one arm around my shoulders::

Sara: "Okay."

Me: "Okay."

Sara: ::takes picture::

Flash: ::goes off::

Me: ::still hugging Boy, still grinning stupidly from the fun ridiculosity of it all::

Boy: ::still laughing::

Sara: ::puts camera down::

Me and The Boy I Hugged: ::stop touching::

Me: "Okay, sweet, thanks."

All: ::turn to leave::

Me: ::turns back, sticks out hand:: "Oh, by the way, I'm Angela." ::looks up at Boy, smiles::

Boy: ::shakes my hand, smiles back:: "Anthony."

::much eye contact::

Me: [thinks] "He has a name!!!" ::notices eye contact and how endearingly clammy and warm Boy's hand is::

All: ::turn to go again::

Me: "Okay, thanks, see ya."

We return to the table and there is much rejoicing among us all. I only wish Jill had been there to see it! [She has been there since the beginning.] It was great. =P I can't wait to get the picture back. XD That thing better come out!

Okay, that was really long. But now you can all appreciate what it must have been like to actually be there. XP

This is when the poor kid accidentally stumbles across my blog and reads this. Ahh! Scary.

Anthony: Sorry. . . . . . . . . . inside joke?. . . . . . . . . . . . yeah. . . . . . . I got nothin' to say. . . . . . . . . . sorry. . . . .

If I Breathe For The Next Two Months...

2006-04-03T23:29:00.000-04:00

Today I opened an email from Crystal entitled "June!!!!" With four exclamation points. It was about the Warped Tour coming to Nashville on June 21st, and how we would go. She seems to have so much energy, it's wonderful.

The whole email, though it was short, was very relaxing to me, and encouraging, but this was the best part: ". . . we will be together, having the summer of our lives. . . !"

::sigh:: It was good to get this. From her. It makes me smile a little, think there is hope that things will improve over the summer. I'm really looking forward to that. The Summer Of Purging. Really.

Together.

having the summer of our lives...

2006-04-02T04:29:00.000-04:00

I don't know if I'm in love with anything at all.

Quotes From Tess's House!

2006-03-26T01:33:00.000-05:00

-"Oh! Is that the one with the girl under the bed?!"
-"No. It's the one about my academics."

"I wouldn't be standin' in this line if the Reverend didn't want his chili dog. But the Reverend wants a chili dog, and by golly, the Reverend will get his chili dog!"

::nun with balloon hat!::

"How can I be African if you can't tie a knot?!"

"So if I'm ever pregnant in Africa, I'll know just what to wear."

"You're the woman. You're the woh-man."

I Feel As If There Is Nothing Left To Be Said, Not For A Very Long Time

2006-03-21T22:49:00.000-05:00

"' . . . Whatever our souls are made of, his and mine are the same; and Linton's is as different as a moonbeam from lightning, or frost from fire.'"

Brontë, Wuthering Heights, pgs 81-82

Freebird

2006-03-20T10:23:00.000-05:00

I was looking at the leaves, climbing to the tops of the trees, but you were nowhere to be found...

Oh, my darling, don't be so upset. (And I shouldn't be calling you that.) It's nothing.

Or maybe that's what makes it so bad.

I do things or don't do things that come off looking like public censure, a shunning; but in reality it's just bits and pieces of who I am. You don't understand that I need to breathe. I do. But no matter how many times I say, no matter how many different ways I try to make you comprehend, you will never truly know this. Not in the right way. Which is sad, because it's not as bad as you make it out to be, on my part / but every bit as bad, possibly worse, on your part.

I want to teach you something, although I'm not certain how to show you. Here's my hand, not words said desperately. (It's not our job to make anyone believe.) And maybe that's the case, but I want to try. Among others, Robin says here's my hand will most assuredly ruin my chances at survival and escape. Not to mention any snatch of happiness.

She is probably right. But I like to think I am strong enough to beat the odds. Which I probably was, several years ago. But now? .................

I want to tell you that to get better -better enough that you can survive- you have to step back -you still have time to step back, now, and opportunity, so please, do it- you have to step back and learn to breathe. And then make a plan, slow and sure. And then when you're okay enough, go out and do it. But not a second before you're okay. You have to wait until you're okay, and there's no hurrying it along, it just takes time. So just wait, and don't feel the need to explain or prove yourself, 'cause you don't have to. You'll be okay. We'll be okay.

I see a boy in a tux and a girl in a yellow prom dress, leaning over the balcony and whispering about boys.

D e l i c a t e .

But now is not the time for that.

But that's okay.

I can save it for later.

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

2006-03-19T16:52:00.000-05:00

Just when I thought I would never have to speak to you again...

"Angela?"

"Yeah..."

"Oh, hey. It's me."

The male voice coming through the phone makes me wrack my brain for the possible options. Phil? Eli? No, it doesn't sound like either of them. Jade? No...

Then it hits me. Ohhhh. Up or down? It's you. You have not dropped off the face of the Earth. And now your voice is worming its way into my ear and into my brain again.

I sigh inwardly, frustrated and uninterested but trying not to show it.

Pulling a John on me, yeah? Although secretly I had hoped you would never return.....

Red On My Windowsill

2006-03-18T16:28:00.000-05:00

I had a bad night last night.

I absolutely love bad nights.

In spite of the panicky feeling I have while caught in the middle of one, there is something intensely beguiling about them, and by the next day I look back and all I can see is alot of beauty.

Last night was full of art. Music, film, and paints. And the fear and the sadness was only a change in the shade. The volume. The angles.

I wake up this morning and realize, after an awful night,
I am getting a little bit stronger.
Because of you, in spite of you,
and mixed in with all this wrongness,
I am getting just a little bit stronger.

As Always, I'm Just Using Someone Else's Words

2006-03-17T17:32:00.000-05:00

And we want everything to end, just like Nostradamus said...

fade to red...

Just like Nostradamus said...

Why do we dance in sadness?
Why do we hold it in?
Why do we smile in madness?

Can't
you
see,
I
need
you

I
need
you,

The
End.

my John.

The "Underclassmen We Don't -Actually- Know" News Of The Day

2006-03-14T15:57:00.000-05:00

So today The Dirty Kid Who Also Has Pretty Blue Eyes asked me if I was dating Andy Hastings.

I wasn't sure whether it would be extrememly inappropriate to laugh or not. "::shakes head slowly, confused:: No-oo-oo." But I guess that's what you get for holding someone's hands in the middle of the cafeteria for at least one minute solid.

Crutches And Cast might have shattered bones and meningitis in California!!!

Don't forget everyone, Friday is Crutches And Cast Green Day, a.k.a. St. Patrick's Day. Wear Crutches And Cast Green!

Dance, Dance, Angela Sparks

2006-03-13T23:49:00.000-05:00

I like boys who smell nice.

I also Like Dirty Boys With No Money =), but that's not the point.

Pot or cologne, it's all good.

Long skirts and rain and warm weather are nice, too.

#9 Dream

2006-03-08T23:19:00.000-05:00

Don't need no drugs
(You're my chemical)
Now I'm dependent
(Swear I'm clinical)
Addicted to those glances, taking chances tonight
I need a fix in those heroin eyes

It's a good thing the addictiveness of your eyes isn't really as strong as H . . . . . I'd be dead by June thirteeth.

Which Is Worse?

2006-03-07T16:52:00.000-05:00

holding someone up close but not being able to get into their soul

having occasional small bits of access to someone's soul, but never being able to touch them

There Are Times When...

2006-03-07T15:49:00.000-05:00

A short conversation about books led to a discussion about the way they smell: paperbacks vs. hardcovers, new books, books from antique stores....

"Oh, look! We just got these brand new books in English and they smell great."

I pull a crackling-new copy of Wuthering Heights from my bag and open it to an arbitrary spot in the middle. Holding it up to the face of the boy next to me I say, "Here, smell this."

He sticks his nose into the spine of the pages and inhales.

"Ooh."

"Isn't that wonderful?"

He nods.

Then this boy does a lovely thing. He holds the book less than an inch from his nose, the binding in his left hand and all the pages held in his right, and fans them past his thumb, inhaling slowly, eyes closed.

I think he owns my soul.

I Heart Trev

2006-03-04T02:29:00.000-05:00

From this day forward, I declare:

I DO NOT LIKE BEING AROUND PEOPLE WHEN THEY ARE DRUNK.

Period.

I adore Jim Morrison.

Went to see a Doors tribute band tonight with Crystal. . . . . disaster!. . . . . it seemed....sacrilegious --awful!-- and it made me terribly sad.

Jim, baby, we love you and miss you lots. Oh Jim, we need you.

We then proceeded to Steak N Shake afterwards and put in a good solid hour with our friend Trev -who was quite sleep-slappy tonight-, and took some goofy pictures which will hopefully portray the fun we had taking them.

Yay!

Now I am sleepy, and am going to bed (smelling of cigarettes yumyumyum).

'weathered faces lined in pain'

2006-03-01T10:18:00.000-05:00

I feel like -I- should make an "all the things I miss" post. But, the list would be too long.

Uncountable images, smells, and sensations begin shoving their way into my mind's eye, jostling for space, position, attention, empathy. I fear their overwhelming existence and shut it down before they can take even a smidgen of control.

My sister is coming to this place tomorrow night. I feel like I should be more excited than I am. On one hand, I am thinking of What's Eating Gilbert Grape? and wearing my vinyl white hat, and laughing, and singing along (loudly) to the (loud) Stones in her tiny, eucalyptus-smelling car.

On the other hand, everything I can see or hear is a rather boring shade of gray, looking sort of 2-D and statue-esque. Stone. Something is separating me from them. But some times I feel as if everyone else is under a bell jar, and only me and maybe a few other people -very far away-, are breathing open air. The things out of my senses' range could be colorful and engaging, but here's the catch: As soon as I can perceive them, they slide to still, cold, quiet stone.

I try to picture the antique store's basement with it's bright fabric, the slightly-dusty smell of old furniture, and endless, late-night peanut butter cookie forays, the damp feeling of dark sweat combined with an enormous bass amp blowing your hair around............... But it all seems incredibly far away, pehaps something I had watched in a movie once........maybe years ago........

I am looking for my soul in this backless screen and in the clean, new books lining these shelves. But unlike some days, this morning I can't even find a clue.

As always, I can blame it on something. Now it is the medicine. It's all a reaction to the medicine, right?

INFILTRATION!

2006-02-27T15:39:00.000-05:00

I'M IN!!!!!!!

I got in! Can you believe it? I, Angela Jeniece Sparks, have infiltrated! *squee*

I'm in I'm in I'm in I'm in I'm in!!!!!

From The Latest Blindside Newsletter

2006-02-27T15:35:00.000-05:00

CITY LIGHTS – Is Tomas upset?

INSIDE THE GREAT DEPRESSION
Track 8 – City Lights

Tomas
Apparently Lasse wrote the bass part...whatever...

Okay, maybe you had to read the whole article....

Please Don't...

2006-02-24T17:04:00.000-05:00

"...when you gave back all our old letters and I was so scared that you were going to kill yourself or someone else..."

"...even when I said it I knew it was kind of a lie. Because I knew I could never, ever stop kissing you..."

I need that book back! Grr!

When I leave here, I'm going alone!

It's not like it hurts that much, anyway!

"You're Worship-able"

2006-02-20T14:11:00.000-05:00

I pad up the front steps in the sunlight. With no make-up, sandals poking around gray-socked feet, and a day-old jeans-and-T-shirt combo, I look and feel so much more like a worshipper, not the Worshippee.

I sigh and half-smile, pull open the screen door as the breeze lifts my hair, recently shampooed and slept-on straight. The smirk in the sky pokes my heart with a grin, and I vow that it should be this pleasant in February every winter.

It's easier to not face the problem of this Funeral Service. But its thundercloud of worries is only lifted for a moment before it settles back down around me, unable to be budged, or even shoved just a little.

I step across the threshold and shut the door to my shadowy house. The dropped temperature makes me shiver.

I am a small, hard soul being flung alone into a churning, foreign universe of colors.

And I can feel it.

I can feel every second of it.

breathe.

Of Course You Do!

2006-02-15T18:38:00.000-05:00

If you ever have one of those really loud, obnoxious, smiling-fakely-24/7 happy people that you can't get rid of, just take them over to my house. Why? Because my parents live here. And my parents can suck the life out of anyone in exactly 17 seconds.

Crystal can attest to this.

Don't you wish you had my parents?

I'm Back!

2006-02-10T21:08:00.000-05:00

Non-damaged and non-grounded, but certainly not improved!

"My Thumb Instead Of An Onion"

2006-02-03T17:36:00.000-05:00

Okay, so apparently Blogger somehow heard my inaudible cries [okay, complaints] about the too-long-ness of the comment word verification words. One time I had one that was 8 letters long! I was like, "Dude, I'm not a robot, calm down and let me comment on my own blog." Anyways! [I know that's not a word], I am happy to announce that in my recent Adventures In Comment-Land I have received several very short -a couple even just four letters!- words.

On another note entirely, apparently I really suck at getting my point across and am no good with words at all. =( Or maybe I have just been talking to especially dumb people lately. Either way, it frustrates me. Yes, I know I sound like the typical angry, semi-gothy, "No one understands me!" middle schooler [except that I'm not angry, semi-gothy, or in middle school]. Which is not what I meant at all. . .

Wow. This is gonna be one of those blogs that I re-read after I post it and go, "Wow. This is so disorganized and retarded and I hate it," isn't it? Yes, it is. Oh well. At least I can say I called it.

On another note entirely, Shane Schmaltz [yes, brother of Tess Schmaltz] is a nice boy. And not even in a "Yeah, nice. . . for a boy! Hahaha!" kind of way. He's a nice person. So, yeah, ::sends electro-hug to Shane::

Whoa. That sounded scary. Like, RAWR! ELECTROSHOCK!

Speaking of which, thumbs up:
........................................ to The Bell Jar second time around.

Thumbs up to it the first time around, too. But yes, either way, me and Juan pretty much <3 Sylvia Plath.

Keep My Cat. Kill The Rest.

2006-02-01T20:24:00.000-05:00

Human males were pretty much the worst idea ever. Why couldn't God have just invented a big sperm bank, instead, to further the human race? Annihilate all the baby boys or at least put them in cages and breed/raise them in intensive boot-camp training so they grow up to act like real men? Men that are worth the title of actual "man"? Or maybe no, just all men suck, period, there are no "real men" because the real men are the worst of them all, there never was and there never will be a human male that is worth the air, food and money it costs to keep him alive. F*ck them all!!!

(This started out as an Away Message, but when it started getting long I decided to make it a blog instead. There you go. Rant of the day.)

I hate boys. I hate boys. I hate boys. I hate boys. I hate boys. I hate boys. I hate boys.

This Is Image-Galore...Past-Couple-Days

2006-02-01T16:20:00.000-05:00

Quite a bit less serious this time. =P

(click to view)

"Motorcycle Accident"

2006-01-31T22:10:00.000-05:00

By Duane Hanson

I Am Explaining The Circumstances Of My Grounding And Then:

2006-01-26T21:20:00.000-05:00

.
boscoseveN: is this the kid you called earth boy?

.
.....WHAM! ...........BANG!

Owww. Don't make me cry. I wasn't thinking about it at all. . .
.

Tee-Oh-Em...

2006-01-26T17:32:00.000-05:00

You know the day that comes after today? There are no "a"s in that word! All the vowels are "o"s!

Okay?

Geez, why is that so hard to remember?

Crystal And I Plan Our Futures

2006-01-24T20:16:00.000-05:00

CrystalLite176: how 'bout you and me just move down on elliston place and just be groupies for every band that plays ... just go to shows and work at the little guitar store right there
Closer To Regret: We don't know anything about guitars. =(
CrystalLite176: ummm
CrystalLite176: it's called Rock Block Guitars, tho!
Closer To Regret: =)
CrystalLite176: and thats where i saw jonathon hawk nelson
CrystalLite176: ok, so we could work at .... the book store?
CrystalLite176: Oh the flying tomato pizza place!!!!!!!
Closer To Regret: Flying Tomato? I'll take the bookstore.
CrystalLite176: it's like antique books
CrystalLite176: you have to be SILENT or the lady yells
Closer To Regret: Nevermind.
Closer To Regret: I don't wanna be a pizza girl tho!
CrystalLite176: me neither
CrystalLite176: we could.....OH there is a old school soda fountain/diner-y place
Closer To Regret: Soda fountain sounds......like something I don't want to be doing for the rest of my life.
CrystalLite176: or we could be bartenders at The End or The Exit/In
Closer To Regret: Crystal, I'm 17.
CrystalLite176: oh yeah
CrystalLite176: or we could wait tables at this place called the gold rush
CrystalLite176: that's about the only options on the rock block
CrystalLite176: OH!!!!!!!!1
CrystalLite176: the french restaurant called Le Peep!
CrystalLite176: HAHAHAHA!!!!
Closer To Regret: What?!?!
Closer To Regret: Is it really called that?
CrystalLite176: it's called Le Peep!
CrystalLite176: for real!
CrystalLite176: we always laught!
Closer To Regret: heeheehee.....That's great.
Closer To Regret: But......waitressing?
Closer To Regret: =/
CrystalLite176: thumbs ....... down!
Closer To Regret: Yeah.
Closer To Regret: Hmm.
Closer To Regret: Maybe we should just get a van and go to California.
CrystalLite176: ok
CrystalLite176: sounds better than being a flying tomato pizza waitress
Closer To Regret: =D
Closer To Regret: Yeah, it does.
Closer To Regret: That takes money though.
Closer To Regret: Darn. The everlasting problem.
CrystalLite176: stupid dinero
Closer To Regret: ::nods sadly::

A couple minutes pass. . .

Closer To Regret: So.
Closer To Regret: Where does that leave us?
CrystalLite176: umm...somewhere between elliston place and downtown san fran.
Closer To Regret: =D
CrystalLite176: i guess that's about......nebraska
CrystalLite176: or oklaholma

Guess What?

2006-01-24T05:48:00.000-05:00

.

I can be pretty sometimes.

Here Are My Hands

2006-01-24T05:37:00.000-05:00

I don't know what to say.

I'm so unprotected here. Like my guts are all lying out on the table for your sticks and metal rods to poke into.

So. . . ~~I'm a sucker for--~~. . . ~~I hate the way I want your arms to bend at the elbow, like so--~~. . . I'm going to the doctor's, later today.

We'll see what the diagnosis is.

2006-01-21T07:55:00.000-05:00

Today is January 21st, two-thousand-and-six.

I am graduating in 131 days.

I couldn't care less.

I am moving out in 132 days.

Yessssss.

Looks Like Letter M, Smells Like Letter M... But Does It TASTE Like Letter M?

2006-01-20T04:14:00.000-05:00

Ice-Cold Coffee Drink! MMNUAM mmnuam mmnuam mmnuam mmnuam!!!!! *that was the Cookie Monster sound*

Quote (Sorta) Of The Day: "Hey, it's that white trash girl that I look like! Wait- she's Korean? I thought she was white trash."

You know what I don't like? Teenagers who put their GPA in their Xanga profile. It's like, how much lame-r can you get? (Like saying "lamer" isn't.......well, lame.)

Point being, ladies and gentlemen, that I have nothing to say. Looks like I already broke my promise from the last post. Looks like I pretty much suck at everything.

~|~|~jEfFeRsOn AiRpLaNe!!!!~***

2006-01-17T00:18:00.000-05:00

On top of everything, my EAR IS SQUEAKING!

Yes, you heard me. Squeaking. Don't ask. It has something to do with me holding my nose and attempting to blow air through it, but it's really not a very good story.

So I spared you.

After that she went crazy.
I don't like the way you've been making me feel since the end of October.
And now I'm all slashed up.
And if tomorrow I'm listless with dirty black eyes, don't think it's because of you.
Because honestly, it's not. I'm not trying to say anything. It's just not.
Oatmeal tastes better when you're sleepy and chocolate doesn't heal wounds.
A walking, talking biohazard!!!!
No no no no no.
::sigh::
I'm BORED.
1:25 AM
Uf, save me from school tomorrow.
A thoroughly unproductive weekend, I have nothing done.

Woohoo! I am tired. Sleepy-wise. That's why I am acting like this. That also accounts for the funny title.

Goodnight. I'm shutting up now, I promise. No more useless rambling posts where I say essentially nothing.

The You-Won't-Think-It's-Funny-But-I'm-Telling-You-Anyway Quote Of The Day

2006-01-16T22:17:00.000-05:00

Condensed for your convenience.

Shano1324: im freaking starving
Closer To Regret: You could always eat Crispy Hexagons. =P ('Crispix' knock-off cereal I found at their house a couple weeks ago.)
Shano1324: lol very true
Shano1324: why would they buy that?
Shano1324: i dont understand my parents sometimes

heehee, I love it! Crispy Hexagons. What a great name.

Not Dead!

2006-01-10T21:55:00.000-05:00

But certainly not feeling very alive right now.

January 1979 Saw A Terrible Crash

2006-01-10T10:18:00.000-05:00

Here's letting you know that I might be dead in four-and-a-half hours.

Why is it empty when I need you/him?/them the most?

My hair feels messy and I can't work anymore. I don't want to be here but I can't stand that house. Europe sounds good. Wine and fresh bread and food with weird sauces, right Sam? But you don't know me, you don't know me. And you'll never, I'll never, I'll be this way forever.

25 feet in front of me she is perfect and boring.

//My fingers click idly. I find this boy I know and ask him to come over. I tell him I can't be alone. . . agrees and scurries. . . We eat. . . I rub my nose. . . Such a marvelous. . . I want to cry. . . These. . . will have to do. (12,13) //

//. . . always the clean one. My digital clock ticks. I am left alone in my empty. . . bed. . . her mother walking in on her when she was having sex. . . drown me in a spoonful of water. . . I have no chance. . . a poem in black ink. (14,15) //

I want to make art. I want to make art so bad. Please, can't I be beautiful?

Without You

2006-01-09T10:03:00.000-05:00

We draw demons today.

Even the goth girl is make-up-less and earthy.

Identity Crisis Averted

2006-01-05T22:45:00.000-05:00

I finally found my place in life!

I am a misanthrope!

Oh

2006-01-04T22:41:00.000-05:00

I was going to mention this yesterday, but wound up not getting on the Internet.

Porcelain Lips has cut his hair.

::sobs::

To Immediacy, And "Zoe"

2005-12-27T14:26:00.000-05:00

You make my heart crack.

I wish I was so beautiful.

Day 11

2005-12-25T23:25:00.000-05:00

More than half done.

Black fingertip sliding over the calendar counts the days until

It'll be over soon.

And on the other hand, it'll be over soon.

::sigh:: "You're throwing away happiness with both hands, and reaching out for something that will never make you happy."

And then there's the hand that says I don't know what I'm doing. And the other hand that knows I know completely what I'm doing. It's wicked. But I can't say I don't like it. I understand why tyrants hold onto power with an iron fist. It's a solid feeling in your guts and a tingle up your spine.
_________________________________________

I hate males.

Today started out awful and improved slightly as the hours passed. It began with two completely separate sobbing fits before 8 am! And, while I was on the phone with someone. =/ Me and Jesse give that.......... a >>Thumbs Down<<.

Two other bad things that started off my day were my brother being a prick and my mother being a crazy, delusional freak. Yay!

Some good things that happened were:

a)Seeing my grandma.
b)Getting a dictionary. (My very own! Yay!)
c)Finally making the decision to leave this place at directly after graduation instead of at the end of the summer. TWO THUMBS UP!!!

(That's James.)

c)Lots of Doors and James Douglas Morrison all around. =D
d)Deciding to buy something awesome for Crystal.

See? So not all bad. Although crying, and subsequently getting snot all over the neck of my t-shirt and sleeves of my hoodie, sucked.

Anyway, let's look on the bright side: I'm not dead yet!

At least, I think that's the bright side.

Otra Vez

2005-12-21T23:51:00.000-05:00

I am beginning to think that you do not exist.

I think I had a dream about you last night. Which is good.

You're Beautiful

2005-12-19T15:24:00.000-05:00

Sometimes
it gets so hard to breathe
Your eyes
see right through me

But you know what?

I love it.

I can't quite remember the last time I was happy like this.

11 entries found for apathy.

2005-12-15T23:29:00.000-05:00

Main Entry: apathy
Part of Speech: noun
Definition: uncaring
Synonyms: aloofness, coldness, coolness, detachment, disinterest, dispassion, disregard, dullness, emotionlessness, halfheartedness, heedlessness, indifference, insensibility, insensitivity, insouciance, lassitude, lethargy, listlessness, passiveness, passivity, stoicism, unconcern, unresponsiveness
Antonyms: concern, enthusiasm, interest, involvement, passion
Source: Roget's New Millennium™ Thesaurus, First Edition (v 1.1.1)Copyright © 2005 by Lexico Publishing Group, LLC. All rights reserved.

Carnosa

2005-12-13T22:32:00.000-05:00

Today I got called "meaty" in Spanish. It was an experience.

Cigarettes are revolting unless you are Shawn Harris (actually, I don't even know if he smokes). Not even the Willie Guy can pull it off. The definition of "chain smoker," imagine the death in his mouth. And lungs =P. Oh!, William Beckett! I need you again!

I miss you.

Remember those Dylan lyrics, and Susen and John?

::sigh::

Why is it always this way? Does it have to be? Could it maybe not be for just a moment? (You already got your moment.) So......{{too bold to ask if it's over}}..........???

Quote Of The Day

2005-12-12T23:02:00.000-05:00

Sara Kramb: "His essence got on me and it's probably still there!!!"

nicotine-basted lungs, wasted thumbs, one of them asphalt-tasting tongues

she wakes up TO ALARM her makeup IS STILL ON!!

AND SHE CAN'T REMEMBER WHY SHE SET THE DAMN THING!!!!

HeR hEaRt Is A mAcHiNe!

art is meant to be seen

not felt

not heard

it's just paint

they're just words

FINGERS are for feeling

FISTS are for beating

SCABS are for healing

and BLOOD IS FOR BLEEDING!!!

that's just how it used to be and I'm not even good at being me anymore.....

I Paid...

2005-12-11T00:10:00.000-05:00

1 painfully sleepless night for Caitlin, and free Italian food
$28.87 for Copeland, and a folkie daydream
$3.00 for a boy with long, stringy, Argentine hair and chocolatey eyes
7.8 ounces of intelligence for your voice in my ear

"Just one more year and you'll choose to regret . . . . Our eyes are fading/Sleep alone"

[i miss you]

2005-12-06T21:55:00.000-05:00

At December 9th Show, 1980
"When the world asks you to accept the unacceptable, all you can do is play music.... And then, we played 'Twist and Shout.'" -Max Weinberg, drummer for Bruce Springstreen and the E Street band

Dateline Viewer Emails
"...Did John's life and music affect me? I'm 55 years old, I have a loving wife, two wonderful daughters and a great life and I'm crying as I write this." --Michael Pardys, Chicago, Ill.

"...No offense to the music makers of today but the day the music really did die was December 8, 1980." --Bob Krouse, Defiance, Ohio

"...The next day, all you heard on the radio were his songs. When "In My Life" off of the Rubber Soul album started, I began to cry so hard that I had to pull my car off of the road, where it felt like I wept for an hour." --Michael Monahan, Newnan, Ga.

Chained Together With Their Songs And...

2005-12-01T21:57:00.000-05:00

I wrote you a letter that I hope I'll never have to give you.

Perdition, Catch My Soul

2005-12-01T00:38:00.000-05:00

"Look on the tragic loading of this bed./This is thy work. The object poisons sight;/Let it be hid."

-Lodovico, from The Tragedy Of Othello, Shakespeare.

Does this sound familiar to you?

"Who steals my purse steal trash; 'tis something, nothing;/'Twas mine, 'tis his, and has been slave to thousands;/But he that filches from me my good name/Robs me of that which not enriches him/And makes me poor indeed." -Iago

I found it! The second most fun part about reading Othello was discovering all the little famous phrases that I've heard before and elsewhere, and realizing where they came from. =) (The first is the elaborate language.)

The story line was unbelievable, the characters even more so. The literal ending, lame. But he gets off it with the words. For being Shakespeare......shouldn't he be better than this? Still, I enjoyed every minute of it.....

A normalcy, like well-oiled pistons, we are. Funny isn't it?, how chaos elsewhere can throw us so suddenly into a defined state? But I wouldn't have it any other way, it is perfect for the time.

Winterfair on Friday. I'm quite looking forward to it. I close my eyes and remember this day last year, one year ago -how things have happened since then!-, the fantasy made real--if only for a few hours, a palm outstretched harboring a small handful of change, nickles, smoothies, red hair, the Army Surplus store, the photographs, the wooden puzzle-boxes, the breathing creation, his smiles, "Hey, hey, hey". The awkwardness/beauty of it. Such a lovely day, and a lovely memory. I only hope this year can manage to be as quietly pleasant.

What do you do when you don't know what to do? In the mean time. Mean time.

P.S. Happy December!

Like Tess, But With A Procrastination Catalyst

2005-11-30T20:12:00.000-05:00

You Are Creepy

Serial killers would run away from you in a flash.

How Scary Are You?

heeheehee. I think the (::gleefully::) "I've made three people cry within the last week!" thing influenced that just a little.

The Movie Of Your Life Is A Cult Classic

Quirky, offbeat, and even a little campy - your life appeals to a select few.
But if someone's obsessed with you, look out! Your fans are downright freaky.

Your best movie matches: Office Space, Showgirls, The Big Lebowski

If Your Life Was a Movie, What Genre Would It Be?

Campy!! =P

You Are 70% Boyish and 30% Girlish

You are pretty evenly split down the middle - a total eunuch.
Okay, kidding about the eunuch part. But you do get along with both sexes.
You reject traditional gender roles. However, you don't actively fight them.
You're just you. You don't try to be what people expect you to be.

How Boyish or Girlish Are You?

Me gusta.

Your Personality Is

Idealist (NF)

You are a passionate, caring, and unique person.
You are good at expressing yourself and sharing your ideals.

You are the most compassionate of all types and connect with others easily.
Your heart tends to rule you. You can't make decisions without considering feelings.

You seek out other empathetic people to befriend.
Truth and authenticity matters in your friendships.

In love, you give everything you have to relationships. You fall in love easily.

At work, you crave personal expression and meaning in your career.

With others, you communicate well. You can spend all night talking with someone.

As far as your looks go, you've likely taken the time to develop your own personal style.

On weekends, you like to be with others. Charity work is also a favorite pastime of yours.

The Three Question Personality Test

Ooo-ooh! haha

I like Shakespeare.

Your Superhero Profile

Your Superhero Name is The Ant Crystal
Your Superpower is Winking
Your Weakness is Water
Your Weapon is Your Terra Torpedoes
Your Mode of Transportation is Love Van

What's your Superhero Name?

.....Ant.......Crystal?
Winking?!?!
Eww.
But.....Love Van? Hook me up. =P Fab.

So I Smile

2005-11-29T21:24:00.000-05:00

If you're going to San Francisco/Be sure to wear some flowers in your hair/If you're going to San Francisco/You're gonna meet some gentle people there

For those who come to San Francisco/Summertime will be a love-in there/In the streets of San Francisco/Gentle people with flowers in their hair....

I am getting so anxious to leave this place. =) I can't wait.

I am looking at a film school in the aforementioned city. I'm not holding my breath, but I'm getting excited.

This Loneliness Inside Makes Me Feel Half-Alive

2005-11-25T23:03:00.000-05:00

.....Then weak I'd rather be
. If it means having you to keep
. 'Cause lately I've been losing sleep.....

"Cracklin' Rosie, make me smile
Girl, if it lasts for an hour, well that's alright
'Cause we got all night
To set the world right"

Of Blindside, Milk, And Arlo Guthrie

2005-11-23T17:08:00.000-05:00

"This week sees the end of our touring in the US for 2005. This tour has been really great. Despite some really difficult times with Tomas and Christian both having injuries we have really had a great time on this tour. We want to thank all of you who came out to see the show. We want to thank Trapt and Aphasia especially Will from Aphasia for sitting in for Tomas while his head got stuck back together.

We want to wish all of our friends in the US a very happy Thanksgiving holiday. As a band we are so thankful for all the support we have received in the US over the last few years. You have always made us feel so welcome and at home."

::hugs::

I <3 you all.
_______________________________________________

So I was making my hot chocolate last night, and I had seen a new can of whipped cream in the fridge earlier, so I was like, "Yes. I am gonna have litte marshmallows and whipped cream on my hot chocolate! This'll be awesome." So I've got my little steaming mug sitting on the counter and I get out the whipped cream. This is what I see: A piece of tape over the lid. Meh, I'll take it off, she'll never notice. This is what it says: "ANGELA, SAVE FOR TURKEY DAY" =P Aww, man! You can't ignore a piece of tape when it's got your name on it. I had to laugh though. I am such a whipped cream fiend that the warnings go out especially for me, now. =D
_______________________________________________

In the Blindside newsletters they are doing this inside-the-new-album thing where they ask the guys about the different songs.... this time it was "We're All Going To Die," and everyone talked but when they got down to Simon, this is what he said: "I don’t even remember tracking some of these songs – I was so lost in DVD land. Stop asking me these questions..." hehe...... Okay, well, -I- thought it was funny. =P

I am doing major Blindside merch ordering. Yay! I feel overindulgent. Oh well, I don't care. I've been a fan for coming on two years now, and I've never bought any of their stuff myself except for show tickets. So, I'm splurging. Blah! Mucho moneda. And some of you can expect a Merry Blindside Christmas as well! =D
________________________________________________

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, as we all know. Now, I charge you this: Weigh yourself directly before you eat. Weigh yourself directly after you eat. Then comment and tell me how much you put away at supper. One time this skinny kid told me he gained 10 pounds at Thanksgiving dinner, and ever since I've always wondered......do we all really eat that much? So I'm going to do it, and you should too.

Until next time, have a happy Thanksgiving, listen to Alice's Restaurant if you have it, actually make an on-going list of what you are grateful for, think of me if you see cranberry sauce, and don't half-bake your turkey.

'Bye!

Melodrama

2005-11-23T02:36:00.000-05:00

::pouts::

I want hot chocolate and a Trevor.

And Emery.
This calls for Emery and a blanket.

Life is so much better with a blanket.

And a dark room with a fluffy bed and no one but me.

I don't know what to do with people. I am too used to being by myself that I just honestly don't know how to handle the presence of another human being.

If that's what I am...

Give Me Money, That's What I Want

2005-11-20T20:00:00.000-05:00

Yesterday I worked open to close at Subway.

15 hours. Straight.

Actually almost sixteen, with post-door-lockage clean-up. And then these awesome gothy boys came in right before we closed, and I started talking to the one with the awesome hat and he invited me to his show at the Alrosa the day after Thanksgiving. Any guy who knows about the Doors, Elvis' "In The Ghetto," and wears a top hat just around, can't be too bad. Maybe Crystal will brave the ostensible scariness of the Alrosa and go with me. 'Cause I mean, let's face it....even if it sucks, what else are we going to be doing that night? Exactly. If nothing else (probably the case), we'll at least come away with an amusing story. However, there is hardly any info on it at the web page so....only time will tell!

Also: I was way tired, and caffeinated, and acting like it. So special thanks to Kim and Henry for putting up with me, and to Henry for putting in several hours of unpaid labor at a place he doesn't even work at. He is a regular Jessica Watts! =P

Will probably not agree to do that again. Well.....maybe. As the writers of the song quoted in the title, I'm a sucker for the green. "Money don't get everything, it's true, but what it don't get, I can't use...." =D

Quote Of The Day!

2005-11-17T21:23:00.000-05:00

From Crystal!

"See, I wish you were here. 'Cause the band that J merches for is having a show tonight and it's only $5 ... and I want to go but Katelin is like, "We have been blowing off school too much. I have to study." I was like, "WHAT?!?!!? GIVE ME ANGELA OR GIVE ME DEATH!""

heeheehee =D

Whatever You Want, Just Dial

2005-11-17T17:50:00.000-05:00

No one / can make me smile / the way that you make me smile.

But then I see _____ }-a girl-{, who reminds me that I should not be smiling at you when he is being given so much of my time, or rather, I should not be giving him so much of my time, so many of my lies, when it is only you that can make me smile this way.

Some how I only smile more, wondering if she knows, what does she think is going through my head right now?, can people tell by the way I look at you?

You Love To Sing

2005-11-16T17:07:00.000-05:00

Who is a bitch at seven years old? Who even guessed it was possible to be a bitch at age seven? I mean, I'm a bitch, but that's because stuff has happened to me and I have handled it all wrong. They're seven. There's no motivation for their bitchiness. I swear, they're going to have major issues by the time they're in--middle school, if they're this cranky in first grade. I was a weird kid, to be sure, but I'm pretty sure I was never like this.........was I?..........can't remember....... Children. I shall never have them. But if I did, I wouldn't let them act like this.

Crystal will be here in less than a week! I'm excited! Take this quote from this post:

"...best of all, Angela and I get to hang out and spend 5 days quoting Seinfeld, talking music, discussing Mick and Keith and their clothes, and just being like-minded. Good."

Indeed. I have missed my sister. And I will be non-grounded as of November 24th, so we shall hit up Steak N Shake and Trev; Jason, Rag-O-Rama and our antique stores; and Polaris, and Blockbuster, and we shall just thoroughly enjoy ourselves. Yay! I like being ungrounded!

I shall also make a.......ehh, this is a messy situation. Note To Self: Ring Susen.

I was given a smile this morning in the semi-darkness that was so sweet and purely beautiful that it made my brain hurt.

Even Funnier At Night

2005-11-16T00:13:00.000-05:00

I heart the White Ninja!

Eyeliner + Black Fingerless Gloves = Happiness

2005-11-14T22:13:00.000-05:00

~~It is raining and it is dark and the wind is blowing. I want hugs and kisses, which I do not get paid in. Thank goodness.~~

Crystal is coming home on Tuesday.

~~I have been doing highly uncharacteristic things lately, such as eating a tuna sub, hugging Nate, and being ridiculously honest.~~

My pretty gay boy cut his hair. It now looks veritably awful.

I overuse possessive...pronouns......adjectives......whatever. You know what I mean. I have a million boys, theories, bands, restaurants, cities, countries, clothing styles, strangers, and they're all "mine."

Robin must be called.

I would be way more up for getting my tongue pierced if it was less scary- and painful-sounding. It's incredibly hot, though. So I will just continue to consider: Do I really hate my tongue that much, to inflict such torture upon it? ::shiver:: Plans for lip punctuation, however, are still in full swing. Eek, it's getting closer! ::is excited:: Eight months! =P Mwah, mwah, mwah. Then I shall finally reach Willie Nirvana! haha, That sounded weird. Oh well, Crystal knows what I mean. =D

I have been incredibly lovey-dovey these past couple days. It's pretty weird. I think it's all that Copeland I've been listening to lately. I mean, I love the darlings, but.....well, that's just the problem. =) "Rain, rain, rain on my mind, I've got a secret life." =) Oh well. It's nice to wake up to. And someday I shall see them in a coffee shop in the middle of the night, and it will all be okay again.

El fin. I’ve got nothing left to say.

I Want To Stick My Nose In It, Like Crystal To Angel Food Cake

2005-11-14T01:21:00.000-05:00

Guys......I did a bad thing this morning. ::is shameful:: I fell asleep and deliberately left the phone next to my pillow. I know, I know. Feel free to yell at me later. =[
_________________________________________________________

You know what I appreciate? Black nails. On me. I mean, I appreciate them on other people, but tonight I am just appreciating them on me. =) Because, there was such a long time where they were not black, because they were not allowed to be black. And I was stretching in front of the bathroom mirror just now and thought it was very nice to see dark tips waving around at the end of my fingers.

You know what else I appreciate? People who offer hugs. I know lots of people will actually hug you, but people who offer are just... nice people. =) ::appreciation on hug-offerers::

I also appreciate: working with Kim. Even though she is kind of whiny and gossipy....haha, that makes her sound annoying. But I enjoy working with her, haha.
Also: chocolate pudding at 2 AM that is not a snack pack! (with plastic spoon)
___________________________________________________________

The walls are red. I wonder if that room has ever seen any audio blood. He is curled up with an acoustic (yeah, right) in the corner, our corner, of a black leather couch. He has the scarf around his leg, tied up above his knee now, and the navy blue jacket. His hair is so long. The way he unknowingly abuses his beauty is unfair. If only he would cut his hair and stop loving me.... But blunt words stop at even my harsh lips when he is smiling, when he is under one streetlight, when his hair is frizzy and messy. When he is tired.

Err! And so I end up here, in unknown cyberspace, saying, "Please come back soon, baby, so you don't forget us."
____________________________________________________________

I watch the video, and cannot help but giggle. He is cute. Oh no! The accent!

Tell Me The Lies...

This. Is. The. Eeeeeennnnnddddddd.

In The Apartment (Early Sunday Morning)

Graduation Party/Anberlin

REAL Last Post (In Parts)

06-06-06 AHH!

School's Out Forever

The Day After Tomorrow And Sunday

If My Life Was A MasterCard Commercial...

Quote of the Day!

Update!

Hear Ye, Hear Ye

Bad, BAD Day

Ba-Da, Ba-Da Heat

I <3 Hot Showers

10:06 PM

That's "Grean" With An A.

Number #4

It's Amazing

Promise Me One Thing: Part II

Debate

Promise Me One Thing:

Being Alone

::cheers::

Quote Of The Day

Quail Update

And Then There Were . . . Twenty-Six

Guess What I Have In My Living Room?!

I Wrote A Piece

EeeEe.

oh, god

Blatant Optimism

::snort::

Wait.

Full Stop

Do You Hold The Phone When You're Alone?

It's The Little Things

At Long Last!

If I Breathe For The Next Two Months...

Quotes From Tess's House!

I Feel As If There Is Nothing Left To Be Said, Not For A Very Long Time

Freebird

Another Pleasant Valley Sunday

Red On My Windowsill

As Always, I'm Just Using Someone Else's Words

The "Underclassmen We Don't -Actually- Know" News Of The Day

Dance, Dance, Angela Sparks

#9 Dream

Which Is Worse?

There Are Times When...

I Heart Trev

'weathered faces lined in pain'

INFILTRATION!

From The Latest Blindside Newsletter

Please Don't...

"You're Worship-able"

Of Course You Do!

I'm Back!

"My Thumb Instead Of An Onion"

Keep My Cat. Kill The Rest.

This Is Image-Galore...Past-Couple-Days

"Motorcycle Accident"

I Am Explaining The Circumstances Of My Grounding And Then:

Tee-Oh-Em...

Crystal And I Plan Our Futures

Guess What?

Here Are My Hands

Looks Like Letter M, Smells Like Letter M... But Does It TASTE Like Letter M?

~|~|~*j*E*f*F*e*R*s*O*n* *A*i*R*p*L*a*N*e*!!!!*~***

The You-Won't-Think-It's-Funny-But-I'm-Telling-You-Anyway Quote Of The Day

Not Dead!

January 1979 Saw A Terrible Crash

Without You

Identity Crisis Averted

Oh

To Immediacy, And "Zoe"

Day 11

Otra Vez

You're Beautiful

11 entries found for apathy.

~|~|~jEfFeRsOn AiRpLaNe!!!!~***